Your Expectations Are Killing Your Progress
As I was beginning to heal my way out of the pit of despair I’d gotten stuck in. I looked back at times when I was happy and doing things I enjoyed. I would think of long runs on a Saturday morning, lifting heavy weights in the gym, swimming farther than any of my friends thought possible. I thought of nights out with friends, going on trips and having new experiences.
I knew that if I could just get back into my fitness routine, I would be happy.
I had my own personal weight lifting equipment, more pairs of running shoes than I needed, and access to pool any day or time I wanted. I kept thinking back to those great runs I had, knowing that if I could get out there, I’d fill this gaping void that was swallowing me alive. I did get out there for a run here and there, and lift a weight or two from time to time, but I still felt trapped in a self built prison.
Weeks of mildly consistent running was producing no progress. I was struggling to get passed two miles without having to walk. Every time I slowed from a run to a walk I felt the painful sting of disappointment. Why wasn’t I making progress? Why couldn’t I gain speed and distance? I was failing at the one thing that would make me happy. Every time I struggled through a work out I told myself that a bad workout was better than no workout. Yet, I felt more defeated at the end than I did in the beginning.
One day I was arguing with myself about whether or not to go run. It was a beautiful day and I had plenty of time to kill. I told myself the familiar lie, that if I could just go run, I’d be happy. Then, the “aha” moment. Running wasn’t what made me happy. Working out wasn’t what made me happy. Those were things I did when I was happy. I had been expecting every run, every workout to be the magic fix that would make me happy.
I did go for a run that day. I had no expectations other than I’d make the circle around a nearby reservoir that was about 5 miles total. I didn’t care if I walked, I didn’t care if I stopped along the way to sit on a bench and look at the water. I ended up running the entire loop, faster than I expected, and felt amazing when I finished. By removing the expectation that the run would make me happy, it became just something I did. There was no disappointment because there was no expectation.
My expectations of my runs and workouts meant that every time I didn’t meet those expectations, I was failing. It gets difficult to keep doing something if you’ve already failed multiple times. Every failure makes the next attempt that much harder. By removing the unrealistic expectation, I was able to appreciate that I was out there at all. In months prior, I could barely get out of the house. Just making it to the running trail was an immense improvement and something to count as win. Every run I did after was a win. Some were short, some were long, some were slow, some were fast, but every single one was a win.